I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Those of you that know me know that is never a good thing.
I’m a thinker. I plan, I think, I dream but ultimately I just stay where I am. I almost feel like I should be on the poster for a wasted potential campaign. My brain is a scary place to be alone in, not all the time mind you, but there are times when I go so far down the rabbit hole that I almost shut down completely. I apologize in advance if I get a little rambly, I have a mess of thoughts in my head that I need to get out.
FYI this is going to be a bit of a personal post, not really gaming related. If you decide to stop reading this post I totally understand. For those that stick around, thanks for indulging me.
Professionally, where I am and where I want to be is completely fucked. I work for a cell phone retailer. I’ve worked in retail for almost all of my adult life in some capacity. I can’t stand working in retail. I will say that the company I’m working for now is one of the better ones that I’ve worked for but still, it’s retail. I was out of retail for a couple of years and I loved it, but the pay was shit. That’s the problem when you have no marketable skills, you’re kind of stuck only doing what you know.
I watched The Internship the other day and it got me thinking about myself a lot. For those of you that haven’t seen it, I’ll give you the quick summary: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are two salesmen who don’t realize the company that they work for just folded up. Own Wilson gets a job and tries to make the best the situation that he was dealt. Vince goes home and finds an eviction notice and his wife is leaving him because she’s tired of all the dreams and plans that he has that go nowhere or that blow up in the end. After looking for jobs online, Vince discovers the Google Internship program and convinces Owen to go with him.
I found myself totally relating to Vince Vaughn’s character. He’s in sales, he’s a dreamer and his world is always seemingly on the edge of imploding by either his own hand or just the tiniest mistake that the universe tends to focus on. That last bit is totally me, I’m ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I’m a “live in the moment” type of guy that just can’t see when shit is about to go terribly wrong. When I do finally see the inevitable shitstorm coming, I try to distance myself from people to eliminate the fallout. Or maybe it’s because I just want to suffer through it alone. Either way, I tend to fuck things up all around me anyway, as much as I try not too.
The thing is there are tons of things I can (and would rather be) doing than working retail, things I would be great at, but because I don’t have a degree or a certificate, I won’t even be considered for. I love to write, that pretty much why I started blogging eons ago on http://halfazedninja.blogspot.com (which apparently doesn’t exist anymore). Also, holy shit, I just found a picture of myself from 2007 on pwned.com. What the hell was I thinking. I also have no clue what my login is for that site anymore so that picture will stay there forever.
Anyway, I love to write so much that I’ve started writing a book. Well, in reality, I’ve started writing a book like 5 different times. I also have a finished script for a TV show that I’ve written as well. Out of all of the books I’ve started to write, I like this one the best. It’s a sci-fi story that I’m not divulging too much info on until I have at least 4 more chapters done but, in my head, I can see the whole story. I’m just stuck on how to connect some of the dots and how to make it make sense.
But that’s the thing, That’s just one of the many dreams I have. My endgame is to do something I love and get paid for it so I don’t have to keep working my shitty job and have to deal with not being able to give my family the life it deserves. It’s hard as fuck living with me, hell there are days I can’t even stand living with myself. I have this constant feeling of failure and regret and it seems like every day I’m adding something new to the pile.
I’m 37 years old. I’m young enough to be stupid but old enough to know better. I’m not a “normal” adult. I hate hanging out with people my own age. Any friends that I have are usually (with a few exceptions) at least a decade younger than me and don’t even live anywhere close to me. At family functions when we get together with my wife’s family I usually hangout with my nieces and nephews because I have more to talk about than the “adult” conversation going on between the more mature family members. I’d rather just play and bullshit with the kids (some of them aren’t even kids anymore with the three oldest nieces being 19 & 18). Does that mean something is wrong with me or I’m stunted? No clue.
What I do know is that I’ve made a series of probably terrible choices to put me in the position I am in today and that I know I’m to blame for it. I’ve been playing the “what if” game for a long time and I’m tired of it. I need to stop with the what ifs and work on the what nows. I have a lot of shit going on that I’m going to have to deal with in the coming months, again both personally and professionally and I have to look towards the future. I’m not getting any younger either. Any dreams I ever had of working at at place like IGN, Kotaku and the like are pretty much gone. Any of those positions whether it’s writing, community management or whatever will go to someone younger and with more experience (again, even though I know I’m more than capable of doing the job). If anything is going to happen, it has to be because I’m making it happen.
So, while I’m sitting here in my personal hell of a job working my second twelve hour day in a row, I’m going to finish writing this post, watch some Orange Is The New Black (which is a fucking awesome show if you’re not watching it by the way) and start the next chapter of my book, if I’m not all worded out by know, Didn’t realize I was hitting close to 1200 words.
More updates to come!